February the 9th,

 

it is a weird day for me (historically speaking). One can say that this day right here, February the 9th, was the singularity from where things started to branch out and expand in ways beyond my wildest dreams… (entropy, mf.)

A wise man once said that "The world is not perfect, nor fair." And if it were, we wouldn't even exist here as we are... For we are all but mere products of the choices made by us because of thy good old misfortunes o' ours.

~6 years ago, i got my ass kicked by a couple of stupid-ass man-childs (i am trying to express my rage, but i just can't help but feel pity for ‘em. Tryna be angry, but i can’t help but feel sympathetic towards ‘em for reasons i do not understand.

As a wise man once said, the kind of person they are is punishment enough. in the type of human beings, this world forged them into... But sadly, though, hurting an innocent human being is never justified. Everyone has their own set of issues to deal with, so please be kind. And hurting little kids... How fucking dare you? How do you fucking live with yourself??

i was only ~12 back then. Life wasn’t all roses and sunshine; it was, in fact, a lot. Growing up is not easy (as you already know.) i remember i would go out on the roof in the morning after showers to put my clothes to dry while i would go out in a world full of strangers to suffer and be punished for being a human being and existing, i couldn't help but notice some unusual hair growth in some very unusual of places as every other kid on the planet around this age experiences. Most of ‘em have understanding parents or some friends to make sense of it all, but in this case, i was completely and utterly alone. Being born in a developing country where things like “Sex-ed” haven’t been invented just yet. Even the wisest of the grown-ups talk and think like bullies with dealing with these subjects. They don’t even try to hide their insecurities, and boy oh boy, do they talk so loud… i wasn’t until about a year or two after the incidents of February the 9th, i had some vague sense of it all through the biology textbooks of standard the 8th. Yeah, fucking textbooks. Moving on… Everything was about to change from here, all the innocence was about to be washed into the ocean...

Questions, questions, and more questions… Questions that no one had any clue of (and how could they possibly have known, being born in the same environment as me). Age was the only difference. Kids mimicking adult human lives… Everything started to feel distant and i grew bitter and bitter by the day… Woke up one day, and realized where i was headed + the average teenage heartbreak for no good reason (sheer stupidity). Left everything behind, and grew alienated from everything and everyone, including myself (Oh, the ever-evolving sense of self…) Years later, i am still on that very same journey (more or less), living alone… Here, 3000km away from home, trying to make sense of it all…

Looking back now, “Kids in Love.” Oh, those were the innocent days… The idea of love used to be so pure… No idea about the biological/physical aspects of anything, just… love, and a lot of it. Days would pass like hours with her in my head, and hours would turn into years waiting to see her smile… Back then, she was kinda my everything for reasons i didn’t or just couldn’t quite comprehend back then. One thing was sure: she was the reason i would wake up at 0500 hours and go for a walk just to catch a glimpse o’ her… Going to school a bit early to just sit in the back and watch her smile as she and her friends would talk about things… Oh, the restlessness after school ends just to go at it again tomorrow as soon as possible… Oh, the year-long weekends were just… unbearable. Nowadays, i ask myself, was it her, or the idea of her…? See, questions (the pains of growing up)… Back then, it was simple. it was just her… The start and the end.

Now, all i have are these memories and the momentary glimpses of what once used to be + minor improvisation over the years… Life,

We create the things we need. That’s just human nature to bend things to their will in order to feel alive. As a wise man once said, “We can live in a world that we design.”

The reason i am trying to tell you about this today is because a wise man once said, “The more you fuck around, the more you find out.”
So, let’s find out because today is the day... "February the 9th," and i am doing this for me... Not for you, but for me. i just need to get some things off my chest, for it feels hollow yet too heavy to carry. There is no particular meaning to all this; it’s just me and my ordinary little story o’ my life...

if you’re looking for some wild ending or some shit, there is none. For this is real life… Life happens, we move on. if you don’t have time to read or don’t want to, you should probably move on; you’re not missing much. i will understand. Now, imagine the number of stories existing(known and unknown) or will exist in the future, for what are we if not mere stories to the ones who will come to exist long after we’re gone (some preserved on paper or in bits, and some lost forever to the mists of time)… Too much? Yeah, this would be a good time to leave… Again, i understand. Come back whenever you feel ready… Go live your life, do shit, and be happy. Thanks for passing by… BTW, there’s nothing in here that can give you whatever it is that you’re looking for here… For no destination is final. The journey is all there is, and the only journey is the one within… Here we go, this is my story, and if you don’t like it, go write your own. (Yeah, that’s my defense mechanism at work in case you decide to talk shit about it.)

Still here? Thanks. Have fun (you won’t)… 🎉🎉

Long Story Short,

i grew attracted to this girl in the very first week of school. i think i fell in love (love at first glance as you call it). i just wanted to be around her all the time… i can’t explain how much i missed her during the times she would not come to school. That day would turn into a never-ending afternoon nightmare. i would grow very anxious and just wouldn’t know what to do the whole time i was there (Life would lose all its meaning for me)… She was just the cutest thing everr… Life was lonely yet hopeful for the day she would love me the way i love her, and we’ll spend the rest of our lives together… (Fucking dreamers, am i right?)

Finally, i built up the courage to show my love (you know, to tell her that i care… that i want you. that i love you). One day i decided to give her a rose (a gesture of my love for her), but for some reason (i chickened out), and i put that rose in her notebook and planned to tell her later that, "Hey, it was me!" And expected a big, wide smile in return. (Silly me!) Life had some other plans for me…

Teenage is teenage. What can i say…? Usually, it's messy, it's ugly, not ideal, but sometimes, it's beautiful too when you're with the right people and nice friends... And, oh, the chemical hearts... i did love a girl once, deeply, very secretly, but never really had the guts to tell her... So, her memories are all i have now. You see, she is like the shadow of me... not really "real," but, when the light hits just right, it is as real as one can be... So, yeah, she's still here with me... Growing, playing, whispering, and helping me along the way... Sometimes, the dreams are so real, i just wanna go to sleep again just so i can catch a last glimpse of her, again... it has been so long that i don't even remember her face as i once did, but the feelings remain... Somehow, in some way, the feelings remain... i don't even know if she still exists or not, nor do i want to because i try to avoid disappointments. i know deep down that everything grows and changes, and i might not like what i find... For she exists within me as a concept, and reality might be disappointing. i do not want to know. Mystery is good. Poetry is good. When she's a strange little mystery to me, she's limitless. Concepts have no bounds, ideas have no bounds, and imagination knows no bounds. She keeps changing and evolving with me... i know the sad reality, and i'm okay with it... She is everything that i never had. She's my better half (besides music*) and she will always be a crucial part of me... She's the reason behind my hopes and optimism for this absurdly strange little life... and i don't wanna lose that, like, everr... i just can't afford to, i'm sorry… i just can’t. i understand the sad little reality here, and i accept it with my open hands… Open Hearts, as The Weeknd puts it (not really, but kinda…)

Anyway, life goes on... So, the show must go on. You live, you learn, you grow… But, i guess, some things never change (no, just kidding, everything changes, the change, in other words, entropy is why it exists in the first place…) So, yeah, everything changes. Time makes sure of it… Nothing lasts forever.

i had some idea of the world around me, but never quite understood anything beyond her at the time... She was my kind of everything, and she didn’t even know… And i didn’t even know her (not really). i didn’t even have a real talk with her… i think that it was the idea of her that i fell in love with because, looking back now, i didn’t have anyone in my life to care for me, love was like scarce water for the less fortunate… Funnily enough, getting water was already hard enough, and i needed love too. The idea of love was all i had (all i wanted back then). Maybe still do, even after all this… Love is the kind of hope that keeps me going, that one day (You know, one day…). Anyway, without water, my life became a desert and i, a cactus in it… (No water, no love + being hated for its very existence, for the way i adapted in order to survive). Who tf likes a cactus…? Even cactus doesn’t like itself… i bet that cactus is a self-hating plant… Am i right or what?

How do i let go of something i never had…?
You see, humans have evolved to appreciate beauty. That, my dear friend (i have none), is a cold fact. Beauty is just something we’re wired to get attracted to… Even i don’t appreciate ugliness. Who does? it’s ugly. But there are two types of beauty in existence: “Beautiful yet poisonous” (you know what i’m talking about, like beautiful flowers that you probably shouldn’t eat, or sometimes, even simple, innocent contact like touch can cause some serious illness. Flowers, a thing to appreciate from afar…) The second is “Ugly yet essential,” like algae (not gonna explain, google it.)

And, now, back to my story… So, you can imagine my heartbreak when i came across a version of the world that was not very kind, in fact, cruel beyond my wildest dreams... Looking back now, stupid really, not me, but the people around me... Stupid like you wouldn't believe (pathetic, really) that some people can really be that fucking stupid about the simplest of things, insecure about themselves, about their ridiculous little beliefs or ideologies and whatnot, and whatever the fuck they seem to think that they are or were... That's just how heartbreaking things turned out to be. i was broken physically back then, but they were mentally broken. My heart shatters into pieces whenever i look back on this ridiculous little chapter o’ my life… (Just the why of it all drives me nuts.) There was nothing wrong with me, as people around me had me believe (they didn’t even know me). Thank fuck i defended myself and stood my ground (i’ve always had this fighter in me, and it defends me like a mother should protect her children. Yeah, i said “should” for a reason). it was always the people around me who were the root of all things; that was not very nice about me. People, they just almost always bring out the worst in me... i was living in a fucked-up little hostile environment among some of the not-so-very-nice human beings on this planet Earth (Evolution, eh? Not perfect.)

As it happens, the human brain is its own separate thing. As i’ve already pointed out, “You are not your brain.” You exist as an idea, as a concept, as a manifestation inside that thing we call “The Human Brain.” And as i said, it is just its own separate thing (a topic for another day…) it responds to “what people around you expect of you.” Without you ever consciously acknowledging it (in the strangest way possible). i.e., why it is said that “You are the average of the people around you.” But, what if (just hear me out), what if you could just remove the people around you? isolate yourself?

Answer: You’ll find yourself. You will be lost for a while (it’s scary for a while) because your brain has no idea what to do (no external expectations). The point is that you can now set those expectations yourself. How? By good music and stories. The point is that you can now change the very definition of you… As a wise man once said, “The best way to understand something is to break it down to its fundamental elements and then put it all back together again.” Yes, there’s always a chance that you can’t (Nothing is perfect. There’s always some room for improvement.) And that is the point. You can’t put everything back together just the way it was. You won’t. Because now, you understand certain things, you understand yourself better. And now, you have the power to change things, remove things, and get rid of that rust that is damaging the overall integrity of the structure, i.e., you. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it’s not ideal. Yes, you need the will of the very life itself (Life always finds a way, and so, will you…) Yes, you’ll change, and yes, for the better (if you want.) You can change what you don’t like about yourself. You can get rid of the parts of yourself that do nothing but harm (to others and in the process, yourself). You’re the one in control now. You’re the one instructing yourself on what to do, what to think, what to eat, where to go, how to react, and most important of all, how to live your life... Being alone sets you free from all that is not you. Yes, you’re lonely and alone, and that is the price you pay for your freedom… As a wise man once said, “You are lost because you are free.”

So, that is what i did, i did. i isolated myself from the people, the environment, everything. And now, i am completely and utterly alone. Feature or a bug? You tell me…

Sometimes i wonder, what if i just had a nice family and some nice friends who cared for each other and had known love as they received from their family and friends... Love is the only element that could’ve altered a lot of things in life that are not very ideal… Like, Ed. Sheeran says, “Love could change the world in a moment,” but what do i know…? i wouldn’t be here talking to you through these pages. Like i said, life would've been a whole lot better… Nevertheless, we are what we are because of thy misfortunes o’ ours. And after all, what are we if not just a mere collection of our own choices…

i used to wish that, but it is pointless. You see, i am what i am because of it... Not ideal, but in its own fucked-up little way, the necessity required for growth (i guess). And growth… growth for what? in the end, nothing even matters. Like, at all... So (as it seems), in despair, we shall die…

Life,
Life goes on,
Life always goes on, and on, and on… no reason in particular, it just…

As a wise man once again said: "Life itself is a proper binge."

 

The Grid

Yes, the name is inspired by the movie TRON: Legacy
Moving on (What were we talking about? Ah, yes. Life, the world, teenage love, and heartbreaks… Cool.)

So, here we are... talking about whatever this is…

What a way to exist… eh? Anyway, moving on… all of my childhood, i wanted to be a grown-up because i didn't like the way i was treated most of the time... Growing up in a hostile environment made me bitter and bitter over time... Until the day it all came crashing down like the house of cards that it was... There was no soft or even some solid ground for me to fall on, so the endless and bottomless freefall is what i got... i'm still falling, but i have gotten used to the weightlessness, and it feels like home now... The void is my home now.

All i can recall is that i woke up one day and did not like the person who was looking back at me. And, day after day, the hate grew heavier... i stopped looking into the mirror, and who knows how many mirrors i have broken for the reasons i am still unsure...
it was clear to me that something needed to change, or i might not survive like this very long (luck will only get you so far). And, so, the search for meaning began... i was only ~15 years old.

As days turned into weeks, then months, and years, something heavy started to have its effect on me like a miniature black hole inside my chest… it felt hollow yet heavy (it still does). And by nature, i started to pull away and run from it... and, i ran... and ran… and ran… and i kept running… i could not reach the escape velocity required, so inside i went… Time passed, seasons changed, from winter to summer and winter again… and i along with it (later i realized that was depressed for two years straight, i didn’t even know what depression meant back then…) You see, i realized that running away from it was not possible (and i got no good reason left to live). So, i started to swim towards it (i can’t swim), hoping for the inevitable... But, what do you know? i was stronger than i thought; i adapted and survived. At least, some part of me did... The better ones, i hope…

Hope is the only way forward. As simple as that, and as complicated as that. But, what hope can we possibly have in a meaningless universe? in the end, nothing matters. Nothing. (How do i explain nothing?) As simple as that, and as complicated as that. Anyone can see… The acceptance takes a while, though. Strange as it seems, you just can’t deny the fact (doesn’t matter how cold it is). All of this? For nothing? it only gets stranger and stranger as you learn more and more… in the end, you die, and that is it. No heaven or hell, you get nothing just as everyone else in our shared existence… it’s absurd beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. All that and still, without hope, you can’t function. Hope is the only way forward… Because you must exist in order to experience, right? Ah, it’s fucked-up. All we do in life is try to make sense of it all… but sadly, none is evident. i.e., why life is the greatest mystery of all time… AGI, ASI, let’s just see how they help us further understand this… whatever this is… i.e., if we avoid the WWIII scenarios and the ASI doesn’t self-destruct while staring into the abyss (hopefully!)… Whaat?? A man can hope, can’t he?

Anyway, wherever i go, i just can't help but realize the sheer misery all around… + the nothingness factor. Like, i am happy, minding my own business, enjoying the day, and it just suddenly hits me… BoOM! There goes all mental stability… in those moments, i just wanna die (i just wanna die in peace…) Anyway, like everything else in life, nothing lasts forever, so it passes after a while, and i will have no idea what to do… A complete mind-fuck. Still, i put it back together again, and just feel helpless towards the grid of perception through which i see, process, and try to understand the world around me. So much processing to do, and the human brain has evolved for power efficiency (Only ~3W for communication and computation). What should i do? i.e., why i most of the time i just simply exist and therefore suffer in silence while the processing takes its time…

Depression isn't a disease to be cured. it is the sad reality of things to be accepted. it is the abstraction of life to be acknowledged. in some strange ways, depression is a good thing.

Just be until you cease to be...

 

Strange Nights, The Unknown, & The Journey Ahead

Woke up today, late as usual, because apparently, i have the traits of a night owl. But the nights are just bliss. So calm, and quiet, and just makes you wonder all there is in this absurdly strange little life... all alone. Go on the roof, and look around... And, don't forget to "look up." You'll understand what i'm saying... Solitude is bliss (lonely yet blissful).

Anyway, today (February the 9th), i have to go to Ed Sheeran's Concert. i've been to the venue a couple of times before, so i know the place, and i know the routes. Honestly, i don't have enough money to spend on a ticket this time, and i really need this today (BroQue as a bottle o’ wine.) The concerts i've been to before were fun, but you know me, i hate crowds. Don't get me wrong, i like people... but from a distance. i'm hungover a little from last night, and i know the beautiful effects of painkillers, so i did just that. i was ready to go... All was good, you know... i'm listening to music, enjoying the view by the window…

When i passed through a dump by the road, i see a gypsy family living in a yellow tent by the road at the edge of the dump. The dump itself smelled not ideal, as it is in the nature of any dump. Things are decomposing, and all kinds of waste are just lying around. it is not a very pleasant scene to enjoy… And despite all this, this family is living there… is it their only option? Why the dump of all places? i wonder about all the strange places and people living in ‘em… People live in each and every corner of the world, just imagine the sheer number of places in existence today (in the past, and hopefully in the future…) Just existing… They are living in the tent (not for some camping trip, it is their home…) and not at night, but in broad daylight. Oh, the sheer heat of a sunny day… What does life mean? What is the meaning of all this? What is the purpose of life? Why the fuck do we even exist in the first place…? What kind of sick creator designs misery? (Oh, there is no creator, btw). Things just exist for some reason (no reason in particular), they just do… Life is sad in general. (Like the sum of it all…) i see the mother cutting wood in broad daylight on a summer afternoon, nonetheless. All out of necessity… the little kid trying to protect his mother from the sun, putting towels above her head while he himself is feeling the wrath of the sun… So please, do not expect me to be ignorant like the rest. Anyone can see, they just prefer not to… and i can’t help it. What could i have possibly done here? (Feeling this moment made me cry… and i fell asleep crying…) i hated myself for existing (i still do…)

Woke up after a while, and i saw these two little girls playing outside on a bike. One was padding the bicycle standing up, and she looked happy (like genuinely happy.) They both looked very happy, smiling, riding that rusty little bike o' theirs... Nothing out of the ordinary, it was just, so beautiful, so simple... i had no words to describe its sheer beauty at the time… Existence at its best... No efforts, no thoughts, no questions, just existing... That was beautiful! And then in an instant, the despair took over... just how we are all doomed for the inevitable... All this beauty, and for what? Nothing matters in the end... Why? Why do all this? Why do we even exist in the first place...? The only thing standing between life and the inevitable is this absurdly strange little thing, which we as humans refer to as "Time," i.e., change, i.e., caused by the disorderly nature of entropy (the root of the very existence itself).

As the bus kept moving, because that is what a bus does. it keeps moving. it stops for a while from time to time, it rests a while, and it keeps on moving until it reaches its final stop. Then, it takes a brief break and maybe even a nap… Sleep is a good example of death and eternity. You fall asleep, and then, you wake up… You forget about the time, and although the time (in other words, change) never stops. You forgetting that it exists is the closest you’ll ever get to experiencing the eternity… And when the morning comes, it repeats the routine all over again until the day it gets in a terrible accident and takes a brief nap… Or it keeps on existing for a little while more until the entropy gets too high, and the delicate balance breaks, and the dynamic pattern, i.e., you dissolves until there is no you left. And the process keeps repeating itself (symmetry, mf), for reasons beyond our current understanding of the universe… Close your eyes, and count to one. And that’s how long forever feels… (Yeah, the example is from that video from that bird animation channel with some weird name - in a nutshell.)

Anyway… Shit happens, life goes on.

Moving on… i saw this family on a tricycle (Yeah, a tricycle), the father was out somewhere in the market, and the children were there on the tricycle… one was only ~2-3 years old, and the others were playing with the baby, trying to make her smile… She was giggling and the others were playing, and the mother was looking at ‘em playing and i noticed a brief smile on her face… Makes you wonder, you know, they have very little in life, and they are happy (more or less). Even just for this brief moment in time that they probably won’t remember much about, but i will carry this moment with me as long as i breathe, and therefore, keeping it alive… You see, we all become stories in the end… some preserved, and some lost to the mists of time forever… We forget to appreciate the things we already have, and just how far we've come… The point is to be happy, as simple as that, and as complicated as that. They are happy with whatever little they have. i, on the other hand, although not much, but just enough to write this story on a computer, asking, “What is happiness?” And just wanting to die every other day… They, on the other hand, are just happy (more or less). i, too, want to be happy, but just don’t know how… All i see is the sheer amount of despair all around… But, regardless of the misery in my life, “Happiness is Simple.” it’s the little things in life… and, i.e., why i live by these little, yet deep and brief moments frozen in time… The only true source of my happiness… (Yeah, that happiness quote is from the movie Avatar: The Way of Water)

Again… Shit happens, life goes on…

So, i kept moving. i took the metro because i was clearly unstable at the moment... Still, deep in despair, pretending to sleep while standing against the glass barrier, while my brain is going nuts. And then, this couple boards this train with their baby. A mother was carrying her baby strapped to the front. As i was pretending to sleep standing up while being partially self-aware, my mind was off chasing the speed of light... Suddenly, i felt a soft touch on my stomach like someone saying, "Hey!" i didn't care at first because these things happen on public transport, as you already know... Anyway, it happened again like someone saying, "Hey! Listen to me," so i opened my eyes... she was looking at me (rather strangely), i looked at her, she looked around, i looked at her, i waved at her saying "Hello, dear! How are you this strange evening?" She just stared (of course, she did. She’s a baby, babies don’t talk.) She just looked, and looked, rolling her cute little eyes round and round. it felt like she was trying to say something but having no language to express it with... So, she did the best she could: she looked, doing her cute little thing with facial expressions, smiling, waving her hand in cute, unpredictable ways... Next stop in, she and her mother left... and i went back to pretending to sleep... A couple stops in, still lost in the deep sea of strange melancholic despair, wondering about this and all there is in this absurdly strange little existence that we call life... Suddenly, i felt something whispering in my ear, and i opened my eyes with this spell stuck in my head: "Hey, just be!"
Just be,
Just be,
Just be.
Just, be…

After a while, i interpreted what she was trying to say, or it was just a product of my own imagination whispering...

Anyway, a couple more stops in, i reached my stop and into the concert i went (a story for another day…) it was just such a strange day of cosmic visions, glimpses, and epiphanies...

Life went on, as it always does: The present now will later be past…

 

The Concert

Oh, the concert… the last time i was here, things got strangely weird. The crowd, the traffic, it was just awful. i remember the first time i went to a concert, i almost didn’t go (i don’t like crowded places). But, it was a Martin Garrix concert, so i put myself together and away i went… it was phenomenal (music-wise.) i remember just sitting on the floor because i arrived way too early (the sun was still up.) it was awful. i felt like everyone was staring at me (no one was, that’s just my paranoia), i was alone (because i’m single, Duh!). So, i just picked up my phone and started writing stuff… just random nonsense to take my mind off my anxiety. i was just playing with “Keep” by Google. it’s good. i mean, texts, images, you name it… i was like vibing with images, curating poetry with images (like a personalized gallery), just mind the order in which you upload the images, and it tells a little story of its own… it was amazing! i just went nuts (it was in my pocket the whole time…?) Damn. i just started using it, i started writing whatever came into my mind (btw, writing is optional. You can just play with images.) it does not give a fuck. You can do whatever tf you want in there… i’m telling you years later, i still use it every fucking day (brainstorming.) it wasn’t until very recently that i started writing more and more stuff, i realized that i needed a bit more (text-wise), i started using “Docs” by google. Both of ‘em are “Web Applications,” so i can use ‘em on anything… all you need is a good internet connection. Btw, this is where my writing journey began and i didn’t even know it at the time… if someone had told me that i’m gonna be writing in the future, i would’ve just laughed in your face…

i was all about computational systems back then, and was just doing whatever the fuck i wanted. i didn’t like to read or write. i learned through videos on Udemy, but mostly YouTube, and for a while on Coursera. Like i said, reading and writing, i just hated it (simply out of spite for the educational system.) Yeah, that's something i did. But as you already know, you don’t need to be in a school or college to learn. All the knowledge of the world is out there on the web, for free… You just need to do a quick “Google Search,” and BoOM! All you can explore… An endless supply of free knowledge collected throughout the ages and digitized, and available on the web… Again, for free (more or less.) This was also one of the reasons why i left the ridiculous Python stuff behind… for the love of the Web (Web Development in general.) As the father of the web, Tim Berners-Lee puts it: “The power of the Web is in its universality. Access by everyone regardless of disability is an essential aspect.” Which itself came out of CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research). Yeah, naming things is hard. Anyway, it is a physics laboratory doing experimental research in the field of particle physics. Some very cool shit, not kidding! Yeah, so i started learning physics too.

This is the way to learn. You find something that interests you and you start learning about it… This is it. From a gifted child to a high school dropout and an utter failure, as the family relatives put it. To a… yeah, i still don’t know who i am (Probably nothing, just like everyone else in this absurdly strange little existence that we call life…) Ah, fuck. Umm… As a wise man once said, “To define is to limit.” Anyway, the point is, you can learn. You can learn whatever the fuck you want. Anything you want… Not everything because you know… Everything? Doesn’t make much sense, does it? As a wise man once said, “What we know is a drop, and what we do not is an ocean.” isaac Newton, btw.) And yes, there is a reason why i write the letter “i” always in small cases (some other day.) The point is, just start learning. Whatever it is that you want. Go deep, and just keep going… This is the way.

Anyway, back to the first concert experience… So yeah, that’s the origin. There you go… Well, life has some of the wildest of wild cards for everyone… Who knows what the future holds? No one knows. No one. Moving on… i didn’t know that more than one artist plays at the same event. That was weird. i didn’t want to listen to ‘em all. i was there for my man, Martin Garrix. i’m all about exploring new music, but most of the DJ artists are just cheap asf. All they do is put some extreme bass to even some of the good songs, and therefore, ruining them in the process. it’s not ideal. Remixes, you do that. But please, for the love of music, preserve the essence of it. Please do not ruin a good song.

Ah, i can’t help it. Words are just blowing in the wind… Yeah, so this was the time when i left home to process some things. it was a lot to process, for i am still processing it… Life, eh? i was lost. Looking up at the moon reminded me of her (i wasn’t poetic back then, i was just a cocoon)… it’s just something that happened. Looking at the moon reminded me of her, and remembering her like that sent me down the spiral of despair that evening… i am enjoying the music, dancing, laughing, crying on the inside, and just thinking about her… i was living the moment. A girl came out of nowhere and asked: Are you here alone? All by yourself? i said, yes. She goes: What brings you here? Me: idk, just came… and as much as i wanted to, i just couldn’t at the moment. So, away she went (i acknowledge that it takes some good amount of courage to talk to another human being if you’re like me. i understand that). But i was in no condition to carry on a conversation. Too much shit going on inside thy head o’ mine. i remember my chest feeling hollow and heavy… like i was just about to cry, right there and then. This was my first breakdown moment.

The questions went on and on in my head: Are you alone? What brings you here? On and on… Called an Uber, and away i went… Can’t sleep (no shit.) So, middle o’ the night, to the rooftop, gentle winds and unexplainable things… moonlight over the blinding city lights… in the calmness of the night… She’s by my side, for the moon is still in sight… Listening to the album “After Hours” by the Weeknd (it’s a vibe…) Thank fuck the Reds, got me through that… i was pretty sure that i was gonna cease to exist that day… But as always, after a long fucking while, it passed as all things do because nothing lasts forever… The sun finally started to spread its red over mine, and now i smile thinking i existed through that blissful ray of sunshine…

Now, back to today. That was a while ago(Oh, symmetry o’ time…) Finally, i arrived at the concert (today, that was a while ago,) and there’s a big perimeter around it (it wasn’t there before). A lot has changed, it used to be open (I've been here ~3 times), and now, there are gated boundaries... initially, i thought this was it. Why tf did you even come here without tickets? First times, eh?

Here's the thing: i like people, but from a distance. And of all the previous times I've been here, i just didn't like the crowd, and the people on the inside. i just don't like the crowd. Well, it's music... i can still hear it. Even from the outside… all was good, so i just kept walking… along the way, i discovered some broken walls just a few feet above the ground, and now i have a place to stand and i can even walk (born free… as free as the wind blows… as free as the grass grows… born free to follow your heart… live free… and the beaty surrounds you, the world still astounds you… each time you look at the stars… stay free… where no walls divide you…) “Born Free” by Frank Sinatra. And the next you know... i can even see the stage on the giant monitors from here (a clear line of sight)… Life, sometimes everything just works out…

Music is happening, Ed Sheeran is playing, the wind is blowing in my face, my hair feels nice against the wind, clear skies with the moon saying, hello! (You already know the story behind me and the moon.) Anyway, is this a dream, is this heaven? Damn.

i kept on singing for a while, i'm happy (i think so). i am walking across the wall (i'm still surprised by the fact that i didn't even fall once.) Anyway, as the evening progressed, i started to move a little closer toward the exit because i had to catch the metro afterward, and it was a crowd out there… So away i went… For no destination is final. No feeling is final. The journey is all there is, and the only journey is the one within. There was this slope towards the exit from which one could see the entire arena from up here, and one did. And a couple of more people here and there... and i gotta tell you, the best seat in the house! Damn, the views…

And that, my friend, that’s life... At first comes the sheer disappointment and despair, things have a way of letting you down... But you don't have to feel bad about it: Just smile, and move on… Just keep moving. Just keep going… Appreciate the things you already have in life, for things can always get worse... No pressure, move at your own pace and try to enjoy the journey along the way, for you already know the reason why... And, just keep going... Unexpected things are one of the best things in life... You keep going... Allow yourself to stop for a moment, and take it all in... Wherever you are, appreciate the beauty of the moment… As +x puts it, “You're exactly where you're supposed to be…” Step into the world of the living, fuck existence. Time-to-time, you’ve gotta show existence the finger it so absurdly deserves. in the beginning, it is always overwhelming. You have no idea what to do, where to go (one of the hardest things in life…) But as you keep walking, the different paths start to reveal themselves for they were waiting for you all along (and for others like you who’d walk the same path as you…) So, just keep going…

Let’s face it. The future is beyond your control (or anyone’s, for that matter). No one can predict the future, for the future is uncertain and unknown, and therefore, eternally unpredictable. And that is a good thing. Believe it or not... Let's just assume that you now know the future (you can’t): What do you see? (The eternal abyss). How do you feel? What do you look forward to? What if you had everything you wanted…? Would it still be you? How is the future, btw? Did everything lose its meaning? (Whatever little it had?) How do you perceive time? (Change, i.e., caused by the disorderly nature of entropy). is the time any different than what we as beings of three dimensions perceive? (Like, everything everywhere, all at once…?) Ah, fuck it.

You see, if you could see your whole life played out before you, it would've been a whole different conversation... it is in those deep, unknown, strange, and mysteriously melancholic moments when the entire essence of existence comes alive…

Honestly, Nevermind.

 

Finally, the last song of the show: "Bad Habits" from one of my favorite album of all time, "=" For me, the year 12021 (Yeah, i use that other weird calendar that +10,000 years accounting for the estimated origin of the Human era… and i like big numbers.) was a wild one... i danced a little at the end, not caring about anything, slowly heading towards the station, dancing… Ah, i remembered, that is called the “Holocene Calendar.”

So, i’m waiting for the train... and playing the "Blade Runner 2049” soundtrack album (i.e., called traveling with a vibe…) Just going somewhere... doing something... just existing for some reason... contemplating my existence... this absurdly strange little life... So strange this life, just a dream of a dream... just hoping to somehow freeze or cease to exist in this particular moment in time… for forever and everr… never to be found again… the abstracted narrative of my entire existence flashes before my eyes, and i realize: And, so, in despair, we shall die…

But not today. Not Today. (Yeah, from that episode from The Game of Thrones.) Not Today. it is the very human part of me that just refuses to give up, for rebellion is in my nature (Yeah, Star Wars.) We do not go gentle into that good night (Interstellar). Just existing for the thrill of it all, to experience life, goddamn it. And to show existence the finger that it so absurdly deserves...

As a wise man once said, "There's no absolute destination. No feeling is final. The journey is all there is, and the only journey is the one within."

So nowadays, i just simply try to enjoy life… as simple as that and as complicated as that. Life goes on, life always goes on… So, the show must go on… like that wise man once said, "One must not be overwhelmed by sadness."

Life goes on,

 

Sources

– Cover image (Source)
– Tom Odell (Grow Old with Me, Black Friday)
– What Do I Know? (Song)
– The Times They Are A-Changin’ (Song)
– Avatar: The Way of Water (Official Trailer)
– Born Free (Song)
– Bad Habits (Song)
– After Hours (Album)
— Joji (Glimpse of Us, Die For You)
– Honestly, Nevermind (Album)
– From that weird bird YouTube channel (Beauty, Optimistic Nihilism)
– Holocene calendar (Wikipedia)
– Blade Runner 2049 (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
– Interstellar (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
– The Sagan Series (Podcast)
– TIMELAPSE OF THE FUTURE: A Journey to the End of Time

 

(Yeah, i bent the rules on “i” here out of love to preserve of the essence of it all. Enjoy…🎉🎉)